How do you know?

Before I came to Korea, some of my friends were intent on me “finding a good one to take home with me”. As offensive as this is to me and the women of Korea as a whole, it doesn’t mean since I have been here I have not reflected on the beauty, kindness, simplicity and grounded nature of many of the women I have encountered during my short time of more than two months. In fact, the comments made before I hopped on the Airbus to spend nearly eight thousand miles in the air may be the thing that has kept me from exploring some options. Well, that is not exactly true.

Here in central Asia, men and women do not wear wedding rings. They do not actually display anything that would alert a would be pursuant that the individual they are about to initiate courting rituals with is already married. Based on the fact that most adult Koreans do not just flirt with strangers who think they are attractive, there really is not a simple way to explore potential options.

I have reflected on what it would be like to be in your late twenties and single, which is the not the norm, and try to figure out whom you can and cannot pursue honorably. Unlike the west, married women do not get their kicks out of flirting while married to prove to themselves they are still attractive. Married women here are rarely focused on their ability to look “hot”. So, how do you know?

Again, this is not like the States where asking someone out casually is common or even acceptable. When men and women reach the neighborhood of thirty, the family places pressure on them to find a mate, even more so for women than men, which of course is not surprising. When dating someone who has reached that age range, the expectation is that you are dating for potential marriage partners. This increases the pressure for all involved, male and female.

I am older and there are really not any women at or near my age that are not married, so the whole ring thing is not a big deal for me since they would all have rings if that were a social norm. But this does not mean those in the thirties I do not look at as we peruse through the cabbage or mandarin oranges in the local market together. I look at their shopping carriage and see items that indicate family: baby products, cleaning supplies, junk food and quantities too large for an individual. In Korea, there are not women who are single with children, it just doesn’t happen. I do not know how prevalent abortion is here. There is a large Catholic influence and generally people hold more traditional values than many western cultures do. I make the leap that they are not available without giving it another thought. Besides, I do not know how or what are the courting practices here except that often families still arrange marriages. Oh yeah, and I do not speak HanGul yet.

Leaving all the personal details aside, how would one know anyway?
How would you know?

Go Get You a Good One

Being Offended

In the last two weeks while sharing with others that I will be going to Korea for one year to teach English, I have gotten a surprising response form several people. More than those that I have not received this response from.

“Korea. Wow that should be cool. You can go and get yourself a nice Korean girl to bring back with you.”

At first, I thought this was funny, or at least an attempt to be funny. It is not funny any more. I do not know if the implication is that I need to go elsewhere to find women or that Korean women want American men so much it will be a breeze to acquire one, even for someone like me. I do not know which version offends me more.

Starting with the humor directed at me, I am not going to Korea to “find me a nice one to bring home that will cook and clean for me”. I don’t need anyone to cook or clean for me, I love doing both. I do not need a slave. I do not need to go elsewhere to find me a good woman, I don’t think. I am not with a woman due to being in the wrong country or culture. I am not with a woman for many reasons and I am offended that folks seem so convinced I need one to be happy or survive. We do not all walk the same journey in this life, till now; mine has not included a woman to be a life partner and companion. It is not that I do not want one; it is just not my highest priority or what has manifested.

The other theory of Korean women waiting for “American men like you to take them away from all that” is just downright gross to me. Why do these people think Korean women are waiting around to be “saved” by American men? We don’t seem to be doing such a great job with our own women, what makes anybody think we are such a premium that they are willing to leave their homes, family and culture just to be with an American man? This is what I hate about being American. It is embarrassing how arrogant and egocentric we are. To think we are the pinnacle of everybody else’s dreams and desires are so foolish and blind. It is why a guy like George W. Bush can become President. I wonder if we will ever accept that we are not “it” to the whole world. In fact, many folks are disgusted in us and what we do and how we life. At times, I am one of them. I do not need to save any Korean woman or any woman from her world. I do not posses any magical powers that any other man does not posses, especially not just being born in the USA as the sole characteristic that makes me a good catch.

I am offended, deeply. One of the reasons I wanted to spend a year out of the country in a culture drastically different that the one I have lived my whole life is to se the world through a different set of lens. A lens that does not see me or us as the center. A world where we trumps me. A world where family and community take precedent over personal ambition and goals. A world where it is not assumed that I will always know what is best for everyone else because it worked for me, or at least it is what I have done, successful or not.

Sitting on a soft purple seat in Narita Airport I Tokyo waiting for my flight to Seoul surrounded by predominantly Asian folks, I am ready to leap, to learn and to grow. I don’t think any one of them is sitting here thinking, “I hope that American man will save me from my poor Asian life”. There is apart of me that does not want to meet any women in my year in Korea just to give all these folks the finger for their arrogance and self-righteousness. Or, maybe one of them will “save me from all that” and I will stay here. I am here to learn and experience news things. My hope is that humility and respect are two of them.
July 14, 2008: Tokyo, Japan